


Shooting Your Reflection

by OkguyWritesThings (Realitymess)



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Haircuts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans!Gordon, but it's kinda good??? anyways, if you can't already tell, made this to cope with things and also write stuff, that's it have at it folks, this is a vent fic!!!!, title is waaaay edgier than the story, with guns!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Realitymess/pseuds/OkguyWritesThings
Summary: Through all the fights and near death experiences, the last thing Gordon thought he'd need is a haircut.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, vaguely - Relationship
Comments: 19
Kudos: 357





	Shooting Your Reflection

Gordon shuffled his feet through the halls of the Black Mesa facility, HEV suit feeling heavier than ever. Behind him, Bubby and Dr. Coomer were having a deep conversation, trying to come up with a solid plan on escape, rationing ammo and…

Come on, who was he kidding here?

Dr. Coomer, prompted by Tommy, was steadily spewing the wikipedia article of soda into the empty hallways, echoing off the walls. Gordon wished that Bubby would be trying to block out his words too, but he was only adding to the word soup behind him with some of the most aggressive soda slurping sounds anyone had ever heard.

You’d think Gordon would be used to it by the fifth time, but no.

“ _ God can you all please shut up for  _ _ five minutes _ _ … _ ” He hissed to the scientists behind him, who had no reaction whatsoever. 

He pushed open the next set of doors, stepping into a sort of cafeteria he was sure he had never even  _ heard of _ . Tommy pushed past him in the doorway with a small ‘excuse me mr Freeman’, making a beeline for the wall of soda machines in front of them. Letting out a sigh, he pulled out his crowbar and started to head for the soda machine.

“Look Gordon, Soda!” Dr. Coomer cheerily announced.

“Yeah, I know, I- look, you guys want some?” Gordon smashed through the glass of the vending machine, taking a couple steps back as the science team swarmed around the drinks. “Yeah. Yeah obviously you… do… I’m gonna go find a sink, maybe wash my face. You guys are good here?”

“All good Gordon.” Bubby took a break from his aggressive soda drinking to flash him a quick thumbs up.

“Nice. That’s uhh, good…” 

Gordon leaned over the sink, letting the water run for a minute until it got to a good temperature. The bathroom he found was good and cool, a stark difference from the warmth of the rest of the building. It was nice. Kinda calming.

He reached down into the sink, splashing his face and rubbing his eyes with water. Some of the dirt washed off his face and into the sink, getting a disgusted look from Gordon before he took out his ponytail, soaking his hair to get the dust and grime out.

When was the last time he cut his hair?

Without the grungy hair tie, his hair reached a few inches farther than his shoulders, small white streaks from the overwhelming  _ stress _ he’d been through in the past few days. He was so used to it being just longer than his shoulder height, (enough to pull back into a rattail, a least,) it felt…  _ weird _ , having long hair. No matter which way he shook his head, or pushed it back, it just felt weird. Bad. And then Gordon started to feel  _ really _ bad. Was it his hair? The beard he had spent so long styling and growing? His face? His voice?

Gordon stared at the mirror.

The mirror stared back at him.

He sighed and pushed his hair back, frustration building into tears as he leaned over the sink. God damnit, he did  _ not _ have time to feel shitty about his body right now. Come on, Gordon’s killed  _ how many _ people by now? And almost died  _ how many _ times?  _ This _ was what got to him, some stupid dysphoria he thought he got over years ago?

“oh hey bro, you crying?”

And Benrey’s there. Why not?

“God fucking - what do you want?” Gordon snapped, trying to convert the… awfulness was feeling into pure rage at Benrey. Wouldn’t make Benrey  _ leave _ of course, but it might buy him some time to brace for whatever mind rot would be tossed at him.

“...your passport duh. but you’re crying?” He repeated. “i don't wanna walk in if I'm gonna make you cry like that bro.” 

“No no, it’s… it’s not  _ you _ , I just...” Gordon took a deep breath, holding his head in his hands. “I just hate having my hair this… long, that’s all. It, uhh… it makes me look like a girl doesn’t it? Like, with how  _ long it is and how my face is and my voice and _ -”

“Dude.” Benrey grabbed the sides of Gordons cheeks, obviously getting Gordon’s attention.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y-”

“Dude your meat is _ huge _ ok???” Surprisingly enough, this was the most serious he had ever sounded to Gordon. “You uhhhh have the biggest beard. And big uhhhh, big guy muscles or whatever. You're the guy-est guy, ok bro??? You’re listening to me???”

“Jesus christ, ok.” Gordon could feel tears running down his face, but it felt more relieving than painful. Was this an actual nice thing Benrey was doing for him? Fucking  _ BENREY _ ?

“No dude you’re not really  _ listening _ to me bro, you're just saying yes and that's not the same thing bro…”

Oh, this was stupid anyways. “Fine, fine. Umm, I’m a guy.”

Benrey nodded.

“...I’m a guy?”

Another nod.

“...I’m a guy.” And that time, Gordon really…  _ felt it _ , for lack of better words.

“third time’s the charm bro. :)” Benrey smiled, tone returning to it’s normal smug flatness.

“How, how did you make that sound with your- actually, nevermind. I’m gonna go find something to cut my hair with-”

“Nah bro hold on, i'll do it for you.”

Gordon looked back, surprised. “Wait, you know how to cut hair?”

“can’t be too hard.” Benrey shrugged as they stepped back into the cafeteria, the rest of the science team sitting on the floor in a circle, chatting amongst themselves. “Besides, anything for you, bro.”

“Holy shit, that is legitimately  the  nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Like, no joke, that was super nice. Maybe…” Gordon winced internally as he considered his next words. “...Maybe you’re not so bad.”

“wha?”

“Nevermind.”

  
  
  


“Ah, hello Gordon!” Dr. Coomer leapt to his feet, rushing over to sling an arm around Gordon. “We heard you crying in the bathroom! Are you quite alright?”

“Oh you guys… heard… that.” Gordon sighed, preparing a long explanation. 

“Are you alright Mr. Freeman?” Tommy worriedly asked.

“Well, uh-”

“oh yeah he’s chill.” Benrey butted in, flashing a thumbs up to the science team. “anyways i'm gonna cut his hair so move over nerds.”

“Fucking finally!” Bubby cheered, getting a stare from Gordon. “I don’t know how much longer I could stand that rat tail without pulling it from behind like a sixth grader.”

“Trust me Gordon, we all had the urge!” Dr. Coomer added.

He pulled up a chair, fidgeting with his hair tie as the rest of the science team sat down around him, starting up little conversations that never really went anywhere. Gordon could feel Benrey pulling his hair back behind him, quietly humming a tune Gordon had never heard before to himself. Now there was the question of how in the hell would Benrey cut his hair? Last he remembered, Benrey hadn’t grabbed any scissors, a knife, or  _ any _ sharp blade. (Admittedly, if Benrey just had a knife on him all this time, Gordon would be  _ very _ concerned.)

A soft “huh.” behind him broke him out of his thoughts.

“What is it?”

“...soft.”

And before Gordon could react, a tremendous bang filled the room.

He shot out of his chair, joining the science team in screams of various swears as Benrey, pistol in hand, set the smoking pile of dark brown hair on the table. The smell, a mix between gun powder, sulfur, and whatever burning hair smells like, was  _ awful _ . Gordon, coughing and gagging from the scent, felt up to the back of his head, rubbing at the crispy ends of his new haircut.

“haha, you’re welcome.” Benrey chuckled, putting away his gun and picking up the burnt hair again. “you want me to toss this in the trash or something?”

“Oh god  _ please do _ !” Gordon shouted.

“aight.”

“Well, now that that’s out of the way, we should really be getting a move on!” Dr. Coomer, seemingly unfazed by the stench of the room, warned the rest of the team. “At this pace we’ll  _ never _ make it to the labs in time!”

“He has a point, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy beamed at him. “You, you look as nice as… as nice as a daisy on the top of a sunny hill!”

“Oh, uh, thanks Tommy. Listen, I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit. You go on ahead, ok?”

“Alrighty!” Tommy ran off to catch up with Bubby and the others.

Gordon, slowly stepping back into the bathroom, stared back at the mirror once more. He reached behind his head, pulling the slightly burnt ends of his hair into the familiar ponytail that he'd worn throughout his escape. He’s satisfied with his hair, his voice, him _ self _ .

This time, Gordon smiles at the mirror.

And this time, the mirror smiles back.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> anyways thanks for watching, uhhh cool epic gamer moment right here, i will maybe? Probably? Write more.
> 
> Also this is the alt account for Realitymess that I'll mainly be using if you were wondering


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